‘U ok, hon?’

Very soon people will stop asking me how things are going. For there only ever is one answer and even I am beginning to get bored of saying it.

I’m knackered. Exhausted. Don’t dare drive anywhere for fear of falling asleep at the wheel tired. I’m stuck in Groundhog Day delirium.

The night hallucinations have made a return and I’m regularly waking up in panic thinking that I’ve fallen asleep while E is feeding and have forgotten to put him back in his cot. Last night with the ‘bed pat down’ doing nothing to allay my fears, I turned on the light and conducted a thorough search of the bedroom. And then went into E’s room to make sure he was secure in bed. I’m sure I’m bordering on some sort of OCD.

E, on the other hand, is developing superhero tendencies which improve day by day. ‘No Sleep, No Solid Food’ man is successfully avoiding any attempts to thwart his mission to stay awake and on the boob.

I should have known the merest hint of improvement in sleeping habit would end in tears. After moving E into his own room we had about a week where he had three naps in his cot and woke twice at night. It was bliss and I started to feel like I was finally getting the hang of this motherhood thing. I wanted to shout ‘MY CHILD CAN SELF SOOTHE!’ from the rooftops.

But oh how the smug have fallen. A nice dose of a heavy cold, the advent of another Wonder Week (more on that another time) and teething have conspired against me. And a short break away put the final nail in the coffin of hope for chunks of more than two hours sleep at a time.

I’m feeling a bit sad that the sleep issue is overshadowing everything else that’s going on at the moment. E went swimming for the first time and loved it (I did not appreciate the logistics of getting dry again) and we went on our first family holiday with friends. But everything comes back to sleep and my lack of energy.

Next time anyone asks me how I am, I’m going to try to say something really positive. Just give me a minute to think about it…


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